Exactly one month from today, I will graduate college. I will be done with school. Forever. FOREVER, GUYS.
In light of this, I thought it might be helpful to provide some handy tips to successfully prepare for college graduation in case anyone else finds themselves in the same boat sailing along toward the great blue yonder of post-grad life.
- Count how many days of school you have left. Following this, count how many weekends you have left.
- Panic because there’s too few weekends left as a college student.
- Make a life plan.
- Panic because you have no idea what you want to do with your life. Scrap life plan. Plans never work anyways.
- Ask wise elders for advice.
- Panic because advice from various wise elders is conflicting. Proceed to disregard elder advice because of conflicting nature of advice.
- Apply for as many jobs as possible. 3-5 years experience for an entry-level position? Does interning count? Let’s go with yes. Apply for the job.
- Panic because you’ve heard nothing back from any of these jobs.
- Make coffee dates with local professionals. Ask the same questions and hear the same answers, but do so in the name of the job hunt. This is an acceptable version of subliminally begging for a job.
- Panic over how much money you’ve been spending on said coffee dates.
- Panic again because none of your job leads are working out.
- Park your car in Curb and look out over campus nostalgically flipping through your mind’s storybook of college memories. Up the nostalgic level by playing at an unreasonable loud volume a nostalgia-inducing song – say, Keane’s “My Shadow” or Tim McGraw’s “Please Remember Me” or if we’re feeling extra basic, Vitamin C’s “Graduation (Friends Forever).”
- Reminisce extra hard over your college glory days.
- Cry. If the tears won’t come naturally, force those tear ducts to get to work. You are required to cry at least once before graduation.
- Panic while crying.
- Stalk yourself on Instagram. Allow your filtered photos to bring you to a reminiscent state once again. In this reminiscent state, reflect lovingly on the fact that you have had an inexpressibly wonderful college experience.
- Panic because you’ll never get to relive college ever again ever. Ever.
- Pack in as much stereotypical college social activities as possible within the remaining weeks.
- Panic because you realize you don’t have enough time to do everything you want – no, NEED – to do.
- Have a “what are you doing after graduation?” answer handy as you head home for the Thanksgiving holidays. “I wish I knew” + a light chuckle works well, giving off a delightful air of stress-free indifference.
- Panic because you really DO wish you knew what you were doing after graduation and that delightful air of stress-free indifference is a pitiful attempt at a façade. Remind yourself that you only recently learned how to pronounce the word “façade” and therefore have no business graduating college and starting real life.
- Ignore the fact that you’re graduating. When people bring it up, pretend you didn’t hear them and promptly change the subject. A couple of pop culture attention diverters to have on hand: “Anyone think that new One Direction song sounds like Journey?” or “I heard Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence broke up.”
- Panic after realizing you can’t ignore the fact that you’re graduating because it’s ONE MONTH FROM TODAY.
- Engage in a Netflix binge and justify said Netflix binge with the argument of “when will I ever be able to watch 10 episodes of Gossip Girl in one sitting again? Answer: NEVER.”
- Panic because you just spent 10 hours straight watching Gossip Girl. THAT NATE THO AM I RITE.
- Express your inner panic in a sarcastic and mildly self-deprecating manner. Various outlets for this expression include blog posts, overly-dramatized texts sent to your friends highlighting the fact you are experiencing a somewhat quarter-life crisis, presentations in a general education speech class you should’ve taken freshman year, etc. Laughing at your seemingly-directionless life appears to be the only proper response.
- Listen to Coldplay’s “Don’t Panic” solely for the purpose of the title.
- Panic even though you are listening to a song titled “Don’t Panic” because the idea of not panicking only makes you panic more.
- Read a list on how to successfully prepare for graduation and realize there’s no point in panicking because just like college worked out, life will work out too.
Follow all of these tips (every. single. one.) and you are guaranteed to be prepared for the momentous occasion that is your college graduation. HOORAY FOR REAL LIFE.
"Don’t Panic" // Coldplay
I had to no choice but to include this song.
Although everything about this video is panic-inducing. Seriously Coldplay why are you doing this to me….